Prince Charming is Dead

When I was a little girl I dreamed I would grow up and be a princess...okay, so that wasn't so realistic, but when I was just a little older I thought I would meet the most wonderful man, get married, have kids, have a white picket fence and live happily ever after. Well, things are not looking good for most of that....
My parents have this fantastic marriage they talk about everything, they have so much love and respect for each other. I swear they are closer and love each other more every year. It's really wonderful...and disgusting. The thing is, growing up with parents like that is the best thing to have as a child. It's a nice healthy environment, but as a model for relationships...it sucks! You expect your relationships to be like that and to find someone that you can have a marriage like that with...yeah, right.
I thought I met my prince at 17, we got engaged...he was a punk...still not sure what happened with that one. To my friends that tried to warn me at the time, you were right, I'm admitting it now. Sorry I didn't listen!
I find it interesting how most of our lives we talk about, try to get, want, whatever, a man. It was like a goal to make your life complete. I realize now that it's okay that I don't have a man, I am still a good person, I am still a happy, balanced (well, mostly) well-rounded person who has lots of interests, friends and tries to get the most out of life and I don't necessarily need a man to do that.
Would I like one, of course, can I live without one...mostly, yes. I just never thought I would be single and childless at 40, my life did not end up where I thought it would, good, bad or indifferent, here I am.
I was a pretty ugly preteen, teenager, it wasn't until I got contacts when I was 17ish that I finally started getting guys attention. I think they couldn't see me past those coke bottle glasses! Then I dated pretty regularly for awhile. I never dated anyone from school though, I dated the guys from the Army base, older guys! My parents were fine with it and I just never had anyone from school ask me out.
In college I dated only sporadically. I got engaged again in my early 20's...yeah, another punk...boy, my judgment sucks!
Then mid-20's I dealt with my cancer situation and after that...I didn't date for a long time...a very long time...I'm not gonna say for how long, it's too embarrassing! There were a few guys I was interested in, but it never seemed to go anywhere. One in particular I remember I worked with and thought he was a cutie. We chatted here and there and he seemed like he might be interested in me, but I didn't know for sure. So finally one day I got the guts up and asked him to the movies, he said sure, but he had to help a 'friend' move. Could I call him later and he could let me know know? Sure, no problem. So I called him and he said it wasn't going to work out, but perhaps another time. Later my friend and I went to Sonic for a drink and I saw him there and went over to say 'Hi', he then introduced me to his fiancee, whom he was moving in with that weekend. Oh, so the 'friend' was you!!
It seems like over my lifetime there has been several incidents like this and I think...am I wearing a sign? Am I that naive or stupid? (it's a rhetorical question, please don't answer) My most recent boyfriend, last year broke up with me by not answering or returning my calls...that was his way of letting me know it was over. Hmmm, thanks for the clear cut message. I actually ended up chatting with him on Yahoo a few months ago and it was still all about him, it was amazing. He worked for the same company at the time and his explanation to why he broke it off the way he did was because he was frustrated with the job and everything. Oh, you were frustrated, well, that's okay then...I completely understand why you didn't call...you were frustrated. You just worry about yourself and don't worry about my feelings...asshole. Sorry, do I sound bitter?
Anyway...when my friend and I moved to Mexico a little over six years ago...well, let's just say Mexican men like blondes, well they like women in general, but seemed to like this particular blonde. I was pretty busy with the guys and I gotta say I loved it.
While living here in big ol' Marshall, MN I really haven't 'dated' that much...some here and there, but not much. In fact, recently I have had several first dates! Not a single second date...what's that about? One was because I wasn't interested, he had a unibrow and he whined! One was because he went back with an ex-girlfriend , we actually had a great first date and were going to see each other again. The last one basically stood me up for the seond date.
The thing is, I can seem to attract the guys with no problem....it's the staying power I have problem with...what does that say about me!?
I don't trust men so much, I'm getting better, but enough of them have lied to me over the years or 'done me wrong' that it's hard for me to take what they say at face value. I'm working on it and it's getting better in a lot of ways. I'm also learning...and I think a lot of this comes from my experiences and age, that it's okay to be single, it's okay to live on my own and yes, it's okay to stay home on a Friday night. I have plenty of friends and they seem to think an awful lot of me so I think that says a lot about who I am as person and I'm good with that. I also don't mind doing things by myself, naturally it's nice to have company, but my Mom always taught me that you have to be your own best friend first, and have to like being with yourself and you know what I do!
All this being said, I do...Mom, if you are reading this, please stop...things in here you probably don't want to know... I have a few....friends with benefits so to speak, Hey a girl has needs!! Mom! You didn't really expect me to stay a virgin forever did you? I didn't get married at 18 like you did...MOM!
So...anyway, I have a fairly active sex life, that I really, really enjoy so those needs are getting met quite nicely...Thank you!

What's the point to all this? Or the answer? I have no freakin' clue. I don't know if I will have a steady Eddie or Dave or Beau or whatever. I don't know if I will get married. I know I won't have my own children, but will I adopt or help raise someone else's children? I have no idea! The furture is uncertain, that's the thing about it...you can't predict it...No matter what that gypsy down the street says. As an optomistic friend of mine says...I could get hit by a truck tomorrow! You know what though, if I never do any of those things I will be okay, well unless I get hit by that truck...that would kind of suck.

I know, I know, I know...back off!

Hello everyone! I know I said I was going to post again...it's just been...kind of crazy. Most recently I kind of had a scare with my cat, Z.

He has been losing weight, but I just thought it was older cat weight loss. The other day he was acting kind of 'funny'. I took him to the vet and his kidneys are failing. Obviously this is irreversible, he will die from it. Thankfully, I did not have to put him down that day. He stayed overnight at the vet and they gave him fluids. , I have learned to do the same...giving a cat IV fluids, should be interesting. I will need to change his diet as well.

However, all of this is only going to make his time left more comfortable, it won't really...prolong his life so to speak. Doctor estimated a few months, obviously it is difficult to predict, but...

Z is home now and he is doing pretty well, he's eating well and I think he might even be gaining weight. Well, I say he's eating well, the vet spoiled him. they fed him the good canned stuff and now that's all he wants, he turns his nose up at the expensive dry stuff I bought for him...Thanks Z.

I gave him his first IV infusion yesterday, it was a bit of a comedy of errors for the first time. I had a hard time getting the needle in, I was afraid I was going to hurt him, I guess. I finally got it in, and he was completely unfazed by it...didn't even flinch. Then I realized the tie off thingie that would release the fluids was way at the top, so I tried to hold on to Z and reach up to get the fluids flowing...the needle came out of Z, so then I have solution spurting all over the place and I'm trying to get the needle stuck back into Z...it was then that I realized that I should stop the flow of the saline and then stick the needle back in...d'oh. I finally got it back in, fluid flowing, and just sat Z on my lap for about 10-15 minutes while it flowed in. About the time he was getting restless it reached the amount that I was supposed to give him. I pulled the needle out and was all done! Then later I see he has this weird lump on his side and I start freaking out, so I google it.
Turns out, and I should have known, that's the fluid and it just absorbs over the next few hours and it did.

I think he looks better, and I hope that everything I am doing is making him comfortable and makes whatever time he has left happy. Vet said months, but who knows how long that is, could be 3 months, could be 12. As we know, these things are pretty difficult to predict. I will just love him the best I can and hope for the best.

Other than that little crisis I have been deep in men...gotta love it. I've had a couple dates and have another one next week...these are with different men by the way. Of course, none of these are sticking as of yet. The one next week is a first date so we'll see. We've talked on the phone everyday and that includes two 2-hour conversations! I didn't think men were capable of talking on the phone for two hours.

Everything else is mostly the same, been going to baseball games, fairs, going out with friends, and work is still insane...well, it seems like it insane every other week. Last week wasn't bad (except the cat thing) this week is going to be insane. Oh well, I still love it so I can't complain too much, but I still will sometimes!

I did what I said I wasn't going to do...

Ooops! It's been over a month since I've posted. I've been a bad, bad girl. It's just been a busy time, no excuse I realize, but it's the only one I've got.

It has been an interesting month so I do have a few things to write about. I'm home on my lunch hour so, unfortunately it will have to wait until I have more time...I promise it won't be another month...PROMISE!!

Love to everyone!

The Aftermath

14 years Cancer Free. It feels like a miracle sometimes. Especially when I hear of people getting diagnosed with cancer or having it come back after being in remission. Or someone dying from cancer, or losing their breasts, friends losing loved ones to it. I can't believe I was so lucky to have come out relatively unscathed. When I hear any of these things, I count my blessings, I can't help it, I realize at that moment how lucky I was...how lucky I am.

It's funny, even 14 years later when I go in for my yearly check-up, I sigh a little sigh of relief when everything comes back normal. It's not really that I think that there will be something wrong, but it's there...just a little in the back of your head, even if you aren't consciously thinking about it. Knowing everything comes back normal...makes you kind of...go whew, let your breath out, even though you didn't know you were holding it.

I will admit to feeling a big of a..pang I guess the right word is, when I see a pregnant woman or hear of someone getting pregnant, or see a movie about someone being pregnant. It kind of hurts that I will never have that. It's what I had wanted. I wanted to experience being pregnant to talk to Mom about whether my pregnancies were the same as hers, to see if my kids would look like I looked when I was little. It's funny how life just doesn't turn out the way you thought it would.

I know what you are thinking...I can read the thoughts forming in your mind...you can always adopt...it was there, wasn't it? Yes, I know I can, but what I don't think a lot of people get is that I mourn that loss. I sometimes feel that people just see adoption as 'the solution' and it is! I have friends who are adopted and who have adopted it is a wonderful thing and I am not dissing it in any way, shape or form. I just want people to understand that my feelings of not being able to have my own child, of having that choice taken from me at a relatively young age is still painful to deal with. I don't know what my future will bring and I always thought I wanted children, but here I am fast approaching my 40th birthday, still single and I don't want children under those circumstances. If I am going to have children in my life, I would rather have them with someone else in my life. Plus, I don't always have much patience for kids anymore...that's a bad sign! Perhaps I just wasn't cut out to be a mother. That's okay too. They are cute though, aren't they? I still can't resist all those cute little dresses in the kids department. They are so adorable! Maybe I could buy a couple outfits for my cats....perhaps not.

With what I have been through I try, don't always succeed, but I try to not let the 'little stuff' get to me. What could be worse than getting cancer? That was one of the worst days of my life...anything after that is a piece of cake! You have to live life to the fullest, live with no regrets. That's one of the reasons I moved to Mexico. I would rather look back on my life and say 'I did that' than say "What if I had done that?" I want to enjoy my friends, my family, my life, do the the things I enjoy, because I've been given that chance.

Below is one of my favorite 'Motto's of Life'. My body's already been cut up some so I figure I got that part covered.

Motto to Live By: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, "Woo Hoo! What a ride!"

I'll never be on the rag again

June 7, Mom had come from Minnesota to be with me when I had surgery. We had to be at the hospital pretty early. I was feeling pretty tense and on edge, just knowing what was coming and what it meant. The check-in and all that is a bit of a blur, I kind of remember being in the 'waiting area' before the surgery where they give you some meds to relax you, but I really don't remember much more.

I remember waking in recovery and my memories of being in there are kind of fuzzy and I'm not 100% sure if they were memories or dreams or what. I remember my feet were cold and they was a group of people standing in the center of the room and I felt like I was screaming at them to cover my feet and they were ignoring me, which really pissed me off. My throat was dry and sore. I half remember being taken to my room.
The next couple days were a bit of a blur, I got nauseous from the anesthesia so I wasn't doing well with that and I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, which of course they don't let you, they like to come poke and prod you every so often and check to see if you are passing gas! I never had anyone so interested in my flatulence in my life! They want you to get out of bed and try to go to the bathroom as well. One of the times they told me this so I attempted to get up and then it was 'Not yet, they want to listen to your stomach' Well, that ticked me off. I think I said to make up your mind or something like that. I'm sure I was a real peach to deal with.
I remember a couple dreams I had and they were kind of angry dreams. In one a nun came in and offered me communion. I told her I couldn't have any because I wasn't supposed to eat and I wasn't Catholic, she kept insisting it was okay in this instance. She really ticked me off. In another dream I was working at a cafe and all the truck drivers were lined up outside and wanted orange juice and no one would bring it to them. Don't ask me, it was a dream, they aren't supposed to make sense.
My Mom left on the third day she had stayed an extra day when I had been so sick from the anesthesia. She had bought me a stuffed cat from the gift shop downstairs and left a note for me that I still have. (although I'm not sure where it is right now, I find it every so often when I'm going through things) it basically said how proud she was of me for handling everything so well and that she would have taken my place in a moment if she could have. Whenever I read it, it still brings tears to my ears.
One of the good things that happened while in the hospital is that one of my nurses aides was a woman just a little older than myself who had a hysterectomy a couple years before me. She was a wonderful, unique, vivacious woman and she was the best person to be around when I was going through this. It kind of made me feel that I could make it through. She was a great supporter and a good friend when I needed the most. Unfortunately, as often happens, we are no longer in touch, but she was there when I needed her. For that, Jane will always be in my heart.
I had a few weeks of recover after the surgery then had 5 weeks of radiation therapy, basically as a precaution. They felt that they had gotten all of it with the surgery, but wanted to use the radiation as a preventative caution.
Those were a long 5 weeks. I had to drive to KC for the treatments, as at that time there was no possibility to do the radiation therapy in Lawrence. The drive was between 35-45 minutes. I was able to have them schedule it at a time that I would miss rush hour traffic so that helped. Because the radiation was being aimed in the abdominal area, I had...let's just say tummy troubles. I lost weight, nothing sounded good to eat and I should have taken stock in Imodium. I would be so tired during that time that it got to the point that I could not finish the drive back to Lawrence without stopping, if I was driving myself. I was just too tired.

Two things stick out the most from that month; one is my wonderful boss at Food-4-Less...can't remember his name either, big surprise. I kept them in the loop of what was happening, I told them what time my radiation appointment was, I could only work part time...etc. etc. He continually scheduled me during the time of my treatments. I kept having to tell him I cannot work during that time!! The last time he did it I was a real smartass (I know, shocking) and said "I'm real sorry my cancer treatments are getting in the way of your scheduling, but I simply cannot be here at that time" Yeah, it never happened again.

Second thing that sticks out is when I went in for one of my treatments and one of technicians asked me if I had any children. I said "No" I think I said I couldn't have any as well. Well, for the next 24 hours it just ate at me, it's all I could think about and by the next day I was emotionally shot and was on the verge of tears on the way to my treatment, while having my treatment, etc. My brother lives in KC and was working on putting a new bar and grill together that a friend of his was opening up. I stopped by there to see him. He asked me what was up, and I just broke down and told him I needed a hug. He dropped what he was doing and just held me and let me cry. I love that guy, he's a great big brother. Not sure I've ever told him what that perhaps seemingly small gesture meant to me.

After the treatments were over, I basically had to go back for check-ups every 3 months for 1-2 years, I think. Then every 6 months and now it's just a yearly thing again.
The whole thing was basically 'over' in 6 months. The surgery, the radiation...it was done. I was left to figure out what the hell happened. Looking back and knowing what so many people go through I count myself lucky, what I went through was minor compared to what a lot of people go through.
Although I had tummy troubles, lost weight, and was tired...that's the worst I dealt with, I never lost hair, I never got really sick. I was never knocking on death's door. The type of cancer I had would have killed me if we hadn't caught it in time, but we did. What better blessing could you ask for?

However, there is a lot of emotion that goes with what a person goes through with something like this and what each person feels is unique to them. It's not right or wrong, it just is. In my next installment, I'll touch a little bit on how I feel about all this now. Thanks for reading.

Cathy Rigby doesn't live here anymore

Part II of my story

So the next day my brother and I try to get a hold my doctor to get the results and basically get the run around from the doctor's office (read front desk folks), saying the results haven't come in yet, he will call me, etc. etc. I decide to show up there after lunch. Talk to the front desk and ask my getting my results and the fact that the doctor had promised me the results. One of the nurses or someone was standing a bit back from the desk and said, in my opinion in not such a sweet way "You probably won't get the results until Monday, you'll just have to wait until then" Okay, I'm a pretty...emotional person to begin with, add to that the fact that the woman is a snoot and that I'm waiting to find out if I have cancer I got a little ticked. I can't remember what I said, but I basically slammed out of there and went out to the car.
My brother came out and basically told me I had overreacted, the wonderful level-headed, much less emotional person he is...I love him. *sigh* I explained to him that I am waiting to find out whether or not I have CANCER something that will affect me for the rest of my life. I told him I was not waiting an entire weekend to find out if I had it or not and that the doctor had promised, promised me he would get me the results that day. So Terry goes inside and probably apologizes for my behavior (good thing, cause I wasn't going to) and tah-dah...they got the results faxed to them in a matter of minutes....hmmm, isn't that interesting.

We go inside and into one of the exam rooms and wait for the doctor, this is one of those moments I will never forget...ever. He walks in and put his hand on my shoulder. I knew. Right then. I knew. He never would have had to say a word, I knew what the results were. I had cancer. Those words change everything you think your life is, everything you think it will be, everything you want it to be. Suddenly your world is tilted and you're not sure it will ever be straight again.

Even though I remember the moment I don't really remember exactly what we talked about, just that the results were positive for cancer and that he wanted me to go to St. Luke's in Kansas City to an Oncologist who were much better equipped to deal with this. I can't even remember that doctor's name. (must be that early onset Alzheimer's) We go over to my friend's house tell her, call my parents and tell them. Of course, everyone is so optimistic and they know everything will be okay. I was in shock.

I had an appointment for the doctor in Kansas City I believe the following week and my parents were going to come down and be there for it. They were going to their hometown to visit their parents for Memorial weekend so they would just come via KC. I went into that appointment somehow hoping that there had been a mistake that they had been wrong that the results had gotten mixed up and I didn't have cancer. I had no such luck. He confirmed that I had a cancer and recommended a hysterectomy and rather quickly as the type of cancer I had is very aggressive and they wanted to get it as quickly as possible. 24 years old, I have cancer and I'm about to lose the ability to have children...life is not fair.

I was scheduled for surgery about a week and a half later, June 7. The wonderful doctor in Lawrence (what was his name?? V something...long name...I hate that I can't remember) told me that if I had questions I could come or call anytime. So I did. So I went in one day and asked him some questions, to tell you the truth, I don't even remember what the questions were, but I do remember something. He was in shock about me having cancer and they type of cancer. He was saying he'd never seen it in someone so young, he couldn't believe it, he was basically in total shock about it. To this day, I realize...it's not a good thing to shock a doctor.

The type of cancer I had is called Mullerian Adenosarcoma. Basically it is a rare type of cancer, I don't understand all the medical mumbo-jumbo of it, but I did a lot of research on it while going through this and I did find out a few things. There are two types of cancers, carcinomas and sarcomas. Sarcomas are less common than carcinomas, the type of cancer I had occurs, or I could say occured I'm not sure what the exact statistics are today, in only 1% of all types of cancers and in only 5% of all sarcomas. I just did a quick Google on it and it seems that it still considered a rare type of cancer. I also found that, at the time it had a 50% five year several rate...50%.

Wow, sorry this is getting drawn out, but it's kind of emotional for me and takes a lot longer to type out than I thought it would. So many details. I think it's therapeutic for me to be doing this though. Part III, perhaps tomorrow. Good Night, sweet dreams.

I are college edjemicated

Why is it so hard to balance a checkbook? Do you have to be a special kind of stupid to do this? How can I balance an account at work that has thousands of dollars in it and can't manage my own checkbook that has...considerably less?

Why do they say I have so much more than I say I have? Okay, I'm an idiot, I forgot to add in my paycheck!! Okay, this still isn't adding up...what is going on here? Okay, subtract that..again, add that...still not, what in God'....oh wait, that check did come through, okay check that off. Okay, again...scratch that amount out...subtract....what is wrong with this calculator?? Maybe if I hit the keys harder it will work. Oh, wait..looks like when I balanced on the fly at the doctors office I subtracted wrong...okay, fix that...scratch that out...okay again...oh you dumb fuck, why the hell did you add that instead of subtract? Scratch that...subtract again, add that, subtract...pound on the keys...it's not working....start again!!! Okay, I think I've almost got it -50 and...oh shit, "Why am I still off $25??" Where is that $25??!! It has to be here...I've accounted for all the checks, I only have two outstanding checks and I've already subtracted the one $25 check....where the HELL IS THE OTHER $25!!!! Subtract again, add again, more chicken scratch, numbers all over the place, cross that one out, write another one. Nope that's not right, wait how can that number be there, that's still more...what the hell. Okay, I'm starting over minus 50, plus paycheck, minus 26.20, minus 25.00 Fuck it's still off...what the hell...oh, wait...I forgot to subtract the automatic transfer to savings...oh. Okay minus -25.00, -50.00, +paycheck -26.20....

YES!!! I BALANCE, I BALANCE, IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME...I BALANCE YES, YES, YES...

uh,hmmm...excuse me, I have to go take a shower. Have a good day. I balance, yes!!