I'll never be on the rag again

June 7, Mom had come from Minnesota to be with me when I had surgery. We had to be at the hospital pretty early. I was feeling pretty tense and on edge, just knowing what was coming and what it meant. The check-in and all that is a bit of a blur, I kind of remember being in the 'waiting area' before the surgery where they give you some meds to relax you, but I really don't remember much more.

I remember waking in recovery and my memories of being in there are kind of fuzzy and I'm not 100% sure if they were memories or dreams or what. I remember my feet were cold and they was a group of people standing in the center of the room and I felt like I was screaming at them to cover my feet and they were ignoring me, which really pissed me off. My throat was dry and sore. I half remember being taken to my room.
The next couple days were a bit of a blur, I got nauseous from the anesthesia so I wasn't doing well with that and I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, which of course they don't let you, they like to come poke and prod you every so often and check to see if you are passing gas! I never had anyone so interested in my flatulence in my life! They want you to get out of bed and try to go to the bathroom as well. One of the times they told me this so I attempted to get up and then it was 'Not yet, they want to listen to your stomach' Well, that ticked me off. I think I said to make up your mind or something like that. I'm sure I was a real peach to deal with.
I remember a couple dreams I had and they were kind of angry dreams. In one a nun came in and offered me communion. I told her I couldn't have any because I wasn't supposed to eat and I wasn't Catholic, she kept insisting it was okay in this instance. She really ticked me off. In another dream I was working at a cafe and all the truck drivers were lined up outside and wanted orange juice and no one would bring it to them. Don't ask me, it was a dream, they aren't supposed to make sense.
My Mom left on the third day she had stayed an extra day when I had been so sick from the anesthesia. She had bought me a stuffed cat from the gift shop downstairs and left a note for me that I still have. (although I'm not sure where it is right now, I find it every so often when I'm going through things) it basically said how proud she was of me for handling everything so well and that she would have taken my place in a moment if she could have. Whenever I read it, it still brings tears to my ears.
One of the good things that happened while in the hospital is that one of my nurses aides was a woman just a little older than myself who had a hysterectomy a couple years before me. She was a wonderful, unique, vivacious woman and she was the best person to be around when I was going through this. It kind of made me feel that I could make it through. She was a great supporter and a good friend when I needed the most. Unfortunately, as often happens, we are no longer in touch, but she was there when I needed her. For that, Jane will always be in my heart.
I had a few weeks of recover after the surgery then had 5 weeks of radiation therapy, basically as a precaution. They felt that they had gotten all of it with the surgery, but wanted to use the radiation as a preventative caution.
Those were a long 5 weeks. I had to drive to KC for the treatments, as at that time there was no possibility to do the radiation therapy in Lawrence. The drive was between 35-45 minutes. I was able to have them schedule it at a time that I would miss rush hour traffic so that helped. Because the radiation was being aimed in the abdominal area, I had...let's just say tummy troubles. I lost weight, nothing sounded good to eat and I should have taken stock in Imodium. I would be so tired during that time that it got to the point that I could not finish the drive back to Lawrence without stopping, if I was driving myself. I was just too tired.

Two things stick out the most from that month; one is my wonderful boss at Food-4-Less...can't remember his name either, big surprise. I kept them in the loop of what was happening, I told them what time my radiation appointment was, I could only work part time...etc. etc. He continually scheduled me during the time of my treatments. I kept having to tell him I cannot work during that time!! The last time he did it I was a real smartass (I know, shocking) and said "I'm real sorry my cancer treatments are getting in the way of your scheduling, but I simply cannot be here at that time" Yeah, it never happened again.

Second thing that sticks out is when I went in for one of my treatments and one of technicians asked me if I had any children. I said "No" I think I said I couldn't have any as well. Well, for the next 24 hours it just ate at me, it's all I could think about and by the next day I was emotionally shot and was on the verge of tears on the way to my treatment, while having my treatment, etc. My brother lives in KC and was working on putting a new bar and grill together that a friend of his was opening up. I stopped by there to see him. He asked me what was up, and I just broke down and told him I needed a hug. He dropped what he was doing and just held me and let me cry. I love that guy, he's a great big brother. Not sure I've ever told him what that perhaps seemingly small gesture meant to me.

After the treatments were over, I basically had to go back for check-ups every 3 months for 1-2 years, I think. Then every 6 months and now it's just a yearly thing again.
The whole thing was basically 'over' in 6 months. The surgery, the radiation...it was done. I was left to figure out what the hell happened. Looking back and knowing what so many people go through I count myself lucky, what I went through was minor compared to what a lot of people go through.
Although I had tummy troubles, lost weight, and was tired...that's the worst I dealt with, I never lost hair, I never got really sick. I was never knocking on death's door. The type of cancer I had would have killed me if we hadn't caught it in time, but we did. What better blessing could you ask for?

However, there is a lot of emotion that goes with what a person goes through with something like this and what each person feels is unique to them. It's not right or wrong, it just is. In my next installment, I'll touch a little bit on how I feel about all this now. Thanks for reading.