Prince Charming is Dead

When I was a little girl I dreamed I would grow up and be a princess...okay, so that wasn't so realistic, but when I was just a little older I thought I would meet the most wonderful man, get married, have kids, have a white picket fence and live happily ever after. Well, things are not looking good for most of that....
My parents have this fantastic marriage they talk about everything, they have so much love and respect for each other. I swear they are closer and love each other more every year. It's really wonderful...and disgusting. The thing is, growing up with parents like that is the best thing to have as a child. It's a nice healthy environment, but as a model for relationships...it sucks! You expect your relationships to be like that and to find someone that you can have a marriage like that with...yeah, right.
I thought I met my prince at 17, we got engaged...he was a punk...still not sure what happened with that one. To my friends that tried to warn me at the time, you were right, I'm admitting it now. Sorry I didn't listen!
I find it interesting how most of our lives we talk about, try to get, want, whatever, a man. It was like a goal to make your life complete. I realize now that it's okay that I don't have a man, I am still a good person, I am still a happy, balanced (well, mostly) well-rounded person who has lots of interests, friends and tries to get the most out of life and I don't necessarily need a man to do that.
Would I like one, of course, can I live without one...mostly, yes. I just never thought I would be single and childless at 40, my life did not end up where I thought it would, good, bad or indifferent, here I am.
I was a pretty ugly preteen, teenager, it wasn't until I got contacts when I was 17ish that I finally started getting guys attention. I think they couldn't see me past those coke bottle glasses! Then I dated pretty regularly for awhile. I never dated anyone from school though, I dated the guys from the Army base, older guys! My parents were fine with it and I just never had anyone from school ask me out.
In college I dated only sporadically. I got engaged again in my early 20's...yeah, another punk...boy, my judgment sucks!
Then mid-20's I dealt with my cancer situation and after that...I didn't date for a long time...a very long time...I'm not gonna say for how long, it's too embarrassing! There were a few guys I was interested in, but it never seemed to go anywhere. One in particular I remember I worked with and thought he was a cutie. We chatted here and there and he seemed like he might be interested in me, but I didn't know for sure. So finally one day I got the guts up and asked him to the movies, he said sure, but he had to help a 'friend' move. Could I call him later and he could let me know know? Sure, no problem. So I called him and he said it wasn't going to work out, but perhaps another time. Later my friend and I went to Sonic for a drink and I saw him there and went over to say 'Hi', he then introduced me to his fiancee, whom he was moving in with that weekend. Oh, so the 'friend' was you!!
It seems like over my lifetime there has been several incidents like this and I think...am I wearing a sign? Am I that naive or stupid? (it's a rhetorical question, please don't answer) My most recent boyfriend, last year broke up with me by not answering or returning my calls...that was his way of letting me know it was over. Hmmm, thanks for the clear cut message. I actually ended up chatting with him on Yahoo a few months ago and it was still all about him, it was amazing. He worked for the same company at the time and his explanation to why he broke it off the way he did was because he was frustrated with the job and everything. Oh, you were frustrated, well, that's okay then...I completely understand why you didn't call...you were frustrated. You just worry about yourself and don't worry about my feelings...asshole. Sorry, do I sound bitter?
Anyway...when my friend and I moved to Mexico a little over six years ago...well, let's just say Mexican men like blondes, well they like women in general, but seemed to like this particular blonde. I was pretty busy with the guys and I gotta say I loved it.
While living here in big ol' Marshall, MN I really haven't 'dated' that much...some here and there, but not much. In fact, recently I have had several first dates! Not a single second date...what's that about? One was because I wasn't interested, he had a unibrow and he whined! One was because he went back with an ex-girlfriend , we actually had a great first date and were going to see each other again. The last one basically stood me up for the seond date.
The thing is, I can seem to attract the guys with no problem....it's the staying power I have problem with...what does that say about me!?
I don't trust men so much, I'm getting better, but enough of them have lied to me over the years or 'done me wrong' that it's hard for me to take what they say at face value. I'm working on it and it's getting better in a lot of ways. I'm also learning...and I think a lot of this comes from my experiences and age, that it's okay to be single, it's okay to live on my own and yes, it's okay to stay home on a Friday night. I have plenty of friends and they seem to think an awful lot of me so I think that says a lot about who I am as person and I'm good with that. I also don't mind doing things by myself, naturally it's nice to have company, but my Mom always taught me that you have to be your own best friend first, and have to like being with yourself and you know what I do!
All this being said, I do...Mom, if you are reading this, please stop...things in here you probably don't want to know... I have a few....friends with benefits so to speak, Hey a girl has needs!! Mom! You didn't really expect me to stay a virgin forever did you? I didn't get married at 18 like you did...MOM!
So...anyway, I have a fairly active sex life, that I really, really enjoy so those needs are getting met quite nicely...Thank you!

What's the point to all this? Or the answer? I have no freakin' clue. I don't know if I will have a steady Eddie or Dave or Beau or whatever. I don't know if I will get married. I know I won't have my own children, but will I adopt or help raise someone else's children? I have no idea! The furture is uncertain, that's the thing about it...you can't predict it...No matter what that gypsy down the street says. As an optomistic friend of mine says...I could get hit by a truck tomorrow! You know what though, if I never do any of those things I will be okay, well unless I get hit by that truck...that would kind of suck.