14 years Cancer Free. It feels like a miracle sometimes. Especially when I hear of people getting diagnosed with cancer or having it come back after being in remission. Or someone dying from cancer, or losing their breasts, friends losing loved ones to it. I can't believe I was so lucky to have come out relatively unscathed. When I hear any of these things, I count my blessings, I can't help it, I realize at that moment how lucky I was...how lucky I am.
It's funny, even 14 years later when I go in for my yearly check-up, I sigh a little sigh of relief when everything comes back normal. It's not really that I think that there will be something wrong, but it's there...just a little in the back of your head, even if you aren't consciously thinking about it. Knowing everything comes back normal...makes you kind of...go whew, let your breath out, even though you didn't know you were holding it.
I will admit to feeling a big of a..pang I guess the right word is, when I see a pregnant woman or hear of someone getting pregnant, or see a movie about someone being pregnant. It kind of hurts that I will never have that. It's what I had wanted. I wanted to experience being pregnant to talk to Mom about whether my pregnancies were the same as hers, to see if my kids would look like I looked when I was little. It's funny how life just doesn't turn out the way you thought it would.
I know what you are thinking...I can read the thoughts forming in your mind...you can always adopt...it was there, wasn't it? Yes, I know I can, but what I don't think a lot of people get is that I mourn that loss. I sometimes feel that people just see adoption as 'the solution' and it is! I have friends who are adopted and who have adopted it is a wonderful thing and I am not dissing it in any way, shape or form. I just want people to understand that my feelings of not being able to have my own child, of having that choice taken from me at a relatively young age is still painful to deal with. I don't know what my future will bring and I always thought I wanted children, but here I am fast approaching my 40th birthday, still single and I don't want children under those circumstances. If I am going to have children in my life, I would rather have them with someone else in my life. Plus, I don't always have much patience for kids anymore...that's a bad sign! Perhaps I just wasn't cut out to be a mother. That's okay too. They are cute though, aren't they? I still can't resist all those cute little dresses in the kids department. They are so adorable! Maybe I could buy a couple outfits for my cats....perhaps not.
With what I have been through I try, don't always succeed, but I try to not let the 'little stuff' get to me. What could be worse than getting cancer? That was one of the worst days of my life...anything after that is a piece of cake! You have to live life to the fullest, live with no regrets. That's one of the reasons I moved to Mexico. I would rather look back on my life and say 'I did that' than say "What if I had done that?" I want to enjoy my friends, my family, my life, do the the things I enjoy, because I've been given that chance.
Below is one of my favorite 'Motto's of Life'. My body's already been cut up some so I figure I got that part covered.
Motto to Live By: Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, "Woo Hoo! What a ride!"
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I'll never be on the rag again
June 7, Mom had come from Minnesota to be with me when I had surgery. We had to be at the hospital pretty early. I was feeling pretty tense and on edge, just knowing what was coming and what it meant. The check-in and all that is a bit of a blur, I kind of remember being in the 'waiting area' before the surgery where they give you some meds to relax you, but I really don't remember much more.
I remember waking in recovery and my memories of being in there are kind of fuzzy and I'm not 100% sure if they were memories or dreams or what. I remember my feet were cold and they was a group of people standing in the center of the room and I felt like I was screaming at them to cover my feet and they were ignoring me, which really pissed me off. My throat was dry and sore. I half remember being taken to my room.
The next couple days were a bit of a blur, I got nauseous from the anesthesia so I wasn't doing well with that and I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, which of course they don't let you, they like to come poke and prod you every so often and check to see if you are passing gas! I never had anyone so interested in my flatulence in my life! They want you to get out of bed and try to go to the bathroom as well. One of the times they told me this so I attempted to get up and then it was 'Not yet, they want to listen to your stomach' Well, that ticked me off. I think I said to make up your mind or something like that. I'm sure I was a real peach to deal with.
I remember a couple dreams I had and they were kind of angry dreams. In one a nun came in and offered me communion. I told her I couldn't have any because I wasn't supposed to eat and I wasn't Catholic, she kept insisting it was okay in this instance. She really ticked me off. In another dream I was working at a cafe and all the truck drivers were lined up outside and wanted orange juice and no one would bring it to them. Don't ask me, it was a dream, they aren't supposed to make sense.
My Mom left on the third day she had stayed an extra day when I had been so sick from the anesthesia. She had bought me a stuffed cat from the gift shop downstairs and left a note for me that I still have. (although I'm not sure where it is right now, I find it every so often when I'm going through things) it basically said how proud she was of me for handling everything so well and that she would have taken my place in a moment if she could have. Whenever I read it, it still brings tears to my ears.
One of the good things that happened while in the hospital is that one of my nurses aides was a woman just a little older than myself who had a hysterectomy a couple years before me. She was a wonderful, unique, vivacious woman and she was the best person to be around when I was going through this. It kind of made me feel that I could make it through. She was a great supporter and a good friend when I needed the most. Unfortunately, as often happens, we are no longer in touch, but she was there when I needed her. For that, Jane will always be in my heart.
I had a few weeks of recover after the surgery then had 5 weeks of radiation therapy, basically as a precaution. They felt that they had gotten all of it with the surgery, but wanted to use the radiation as a preventative caution.
Those were a long 5 weeks. I had to drive to KC for the treatments, as at that time there was no possibility to do the radiation therapy in Lawrence. The drive was between 35-45 minutes. I was able to have them schedule it at a time that I would miss rush hour traffic so that helped. Because the radiation was being aimed in the abdominal area, I had...let's just say tummy troubles. I lost weight, nothing sounded good to eat and I should have taken stock in Imodium. I would be so tired during that time that it got to the point that I could not finish the drive back to Lawrence without stopping, if I was driving myself. I was just too tired.
Two things stick out the most from that month; one is my wonderful boss at Food-4-Less...can't remember his name either, big surprise. I kept them in the loop of what was happening, I told them what time my radiation appointment was, I could only work part time...etc. etc. He continually scheduled me during the time of my treatments. I kept having to tell him I cannot work during that time!! The last time he did it I was a real smartass (I know, shocking) and said "I'm real sorry my cancer treatments are getting in the way of your scheduling, but I simply cannot be here at that time" Yeah, it never happened again.
Second thing that sticks out is when I went in for one of my treatments and one of technicians asked me if I had any children. I said "No" I think I said I couldn't have any as well. Well, for the next 24 hours it just ate at me, it's all I could think about and by the next day I was emotionally shot and was on the verge of tears on the way to my treatment, while having my treatment, etc. My brother lives in KC and was working on putting a new bar and grill together that a friend of his was opening up. I stopped by there to see him. He asked me what was up, and I just broke down and told him I needed a hug. He dropped what he was doing and just held me and let me cry. I love that guy, he's a great big brother. Not sure I've ever told him what that perhaps seemingly small gesture meant to me.
After the treatments were over, I basically had to go back for check-ups every 3 months for 1-2 years, I think. Then every 6 months and now it's just a yearly thing again.
The whole thing was basically 'over' in 6 months. The surgery, the radiation...it was done. I was left to figure out what the hell happened. Looking back and knowing what so many people go through I count myself lucky, what I went through was minor compared to what a lot of people go through.
Although I had tummy troubles, lost weight, and was tired...that's the worst I dealt with, I never lost hair, I never got really sick. I was never knocking on death's door. The type of cancer I had would have killed me if we hadn't caught it in time, but we did. What better blessing could you ask for?
However, there is a lot of emotion that goes with what a person goes through with something like this and what each person feels is unique to them. It's not right or wrong, it just is. In my next installment, I'll touch a little bit on how I feel about all this now. Thanks for reading.
I remember waking in recovery and my memories of being in there are kind of fuzzy and I'm not 100% sure if they were memories or dreams or what. I remember my feet were cold and they was a group of people standing in the center of the room and I felt like I was screaming at them to cover my feet and they were ignoring me, which really pissed me off. My throat was dry and sore. I half remember being taken to my room.
The next couple days were a bit of a blur, I got nauseous from the anesthesia so I wasn't doing well with that and I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, which of course they don't let you, they like to come poke and prod you every so often and check to see if you are passing gas! I never had anyone so interested in my flatulence in my life! They want you to get out of bed and try to go to the bathroom as well. One of the times they told me this so I attempted to get up and then it was 'Not yet, they want to listen to your stomach' Well, that ticked me off. I think I said to make up your mind or something like that. I'm sure I was a real peach to deal with.
I remember a couple dreams I had and they were kind of angry dreams. In one a nun came in and offered me communion. I told her I couldn't have any because I wasn't supposed to eat and I wasn't Catholic, she kept insisting it was okay in this instance. She really ticked me off. In another dream I was working at a cafe and all the truck drivers were lined up outside and wanted orange juice and no one would bring it to them. Don't ask me, it was a dream, they aren't supposed to make sense.
My Mom left on the third day she had stayed an extra day when I had been so sick from the anesthesia. She had bought me a stuffed cat from the gift shop downstairs and left a note for me that I still have. (although I'm not sure where it is right now, I find it every so often when I'm going through things) it basically said how proud she was of me for handling everything so well and that she would have taken my place in a moment if she could have. Whenever I read it, it still brings tears to my ears.
One of the good things that happened while in the hospital is that one of my nurses aides was a woman just a little older than myself who had a hysterectomy a couple years before me. She was a wonderful, unique, vivacious woman and she was the best person to be around when I was going through this. It kind of made me feel that I could make it through. She was a great supporter and a good friend when I needed the most. Unfortunately, as often happens, we are no longer in touch, but she was there when I needed her. For that, Jane will always be in my heart.
I had a few weeks of recover after the surgery then had 5 weeks of radiation therapy, basically as a precaution. They felt that they had gotten all of it with the surgery, but wanted to use the radiation as a preventative caution.
Those were a long 5 weeks. I had to drive to KC for the treatments, as at that time there was no possibility to do the radiation therapy in Lawrence. The drive was between 35-45 minutes. I was able to have them schedule it at a time that I would miss rush hour traffic so that helped. Because the radiation was being aimed in the abdominal area, I had...let's just say tummy troubles. I lost weight, nothing sounded good to eat and I should have taken stock in Imodium. I would be so tired during that time that it got to the point that I could not finish the drive back to Lawrence without stopping, if I was driving myself. I was just too tired.
Two things stick out the most from that month; one is my wonderful boss at Food-4-Less...can't remember his name either, big surprise. I kept them in the loop of what was happening, I told them what time my radiation appointment was, I could only work part time...etc. etc. He continually scheduled me during the time of my treatments. I kept having to tell him I cannot work during that time!! The last time he did it I was a real smartass (I know, shocking) and said "I'm real sorry my cancer treatments are getting in the way of your scheduling, but I simply cannot be here at that time" Yeah, it never happened again.
Second thing that sticks out is when I went in for one of my treatments and one of technicians asked me if I had any children. I said "No" I think I said I couldn't have any as well. Well, for the next 24 hours it just ate at me, it's all I could think about and by the next day I was emotionally shot and was on the verge of tears on the way to my treatment, while having my treatment, etc. My brother lives in KC and was working on putting a new bar and grill together that a friend of his was opening up. I stopped by there to see him. He asked me what was up, and I just broke down and told him I needed a hug. He dropped what he was doing and just held me and let me cry. I love that guy, he's a great big brother. Not sure I've ever told him what that perhaps seemingly small gesture meant to me.
After the treatments were over, I basically had to go back for check-ups every 3 months for 1-2 years, I think. Then every 6 months and now it's just a yearly thing again.
The whole thing was basically 'over' in 6 months. The surgery, the radiation...it was done. I was left to figure out what the hell happened. Looking back and knowing what so many people go through I count myself lucky, what I went through was minor compared to what a lot of people go through.
Although I had tummy troubles, lost weight, and was tired...that's the worst I dealt with, I never lost hair, I never got really sick. I was never knocking on death's door. The type of cancer I had would have killed me if we hadn't caught it in time, but we did. What better blessing could you ask for?
However, there is a lot of emotion that goes with what a person goes through with something like this and what each person feels is unique to them. It's not right or wrong, it just is. In my next installment, I'll touch a little bit on how I feel about all this now. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Cathy Rigby doesn't live here anymore
Part II of my story
So the next day my brother and I try to get a hold my doctor to get the results and basically get the run around from the doctor's office (read front desk folks), saying the results haven't come in yet, he will call me, etc. etc. I decide to show up there after lunch. Talk to the front desk and ask my getting my results and the fact that the doctor had promised me the results. One of the nurses or someone was standing a bit back from the desk and said, in my opinion in not such a sweet way "You probably won't get the results until Monday, you'll just have to wait until then" Okay, I'm a pretty...emotional person to begin with, add to that the fact that the woman is a snoot and that I'm waiting to find out if I have cancer I got a little ticked. I can't remember what I said, but I basically slammed out of there and went out to the car.
My brother came out and basically told me I had overreacted, the wonderful level-headed, much less emotional person he is...I love him. *sigh* I explained to him that I am waiting to find out whether or not I have CANCER something that will affect me for the rest of my life. I told him I was not waiting an entire weekend to find out if I had it or not and that the doctor had promised, promised me he would get me the results that day. So Terry goes inside and probably apologizes for my behavior (good thing, cause I wasn't going to) and tah-dah...they got the results faxed to them in a matter of minutes....hmmm, isn't that interesting.
We go inside and into one of the exam rooms and wait for the doctor, this is one of those moments I will never forget...ever. He walks in and put his hand on my shoulder. I knew. Right then. I knew. He never would have had to say a word, I knew what the results were. I had cancer. Those words change everything you think your life is, everything you think it will be, everything you want it to be. Suddenly your world is tilted and you're not sure it will ever be straight again.
Even though I remember the moment I don't really remember exactly what we talked about, just that the results were positive for cancer and that he wanted me to go to St. Luke's in Kansas City to an Oncologist who were much better equipped to deal with this. I can't even remember that doctor's name. (must be that early onset Alzheimer's) We go over to my friend's house tell her, call my parents and tell them. Of course, everyone is so optimistic and they know everything will be okay. I was in shock.
I had an appointment for the doctor in Kansas City I believe the following week and my parents were going to come down and be there for it. They were going to their hometown to visit their parents for Memorial weekend so they would just come via KC. I went into that appointment somehow hoping that there had been a mistake that they had been wrong that the results had gotten mixed up and I didn't have cancer. I had no such luck. He confirmed that I had a cancer and recommended a hysterectomy and rather quickly as the type of cancer I had is very aggressive and they wanted to get it as quickly as possible. 24 years old, I have cancer and I'm about to lose the ability to have children...life is not fair.
I was scheduled for surgery about a week and a half later, June 7. The wonderful doctor in Lawrence (what was his name?? V something...long name...I hate that I can't remember) told me that if I had questions I could come or call anytime. So I did. So I went in one day and asked him some questions, to tell you the truth, I don't even remember what the questions were, but I do remember something. He was in shock about me having cancer and they type of cancer. He was saying he'd never seen it in someone so young, he couldn't believe it, he was basically in total shock about it. To this day, I realize...it's not a good thing to shock a doctor.
The type of cancer I had is called Mullerian Adenosarcoma. Basically it is a rare type of cancer, I don't understand all the medical mumbo-jumbo of it, but I did a lot of research on it while going through this and I did find out a few things. There are two types of cancers, carcinomas and sarcomas. Sarcomas are less common than carcinomas, the type of cancer I had occurs, or I could say occured I'm not sure what the exact statistics are today, in only 1% of all types of cancers and in only 5% of all sarcomas. I just did a quick Google on it and it seems that it still considered a rare type of cancer. I also found that, at the time it had a 50% five year several rate...50%.
Wow, sorry this is getting drawn out, but it's kind of emotional for me and takes a lot longer to type out than I thought it would. So many details. I think it's therapeutic for me to be doing this though. Part III, perhaps tomorrow. Good Night, sweet dreams.
So the next day my brother and I try to get a hold my doctor to get the results and basically get the run around from the doctor's office (read front desk folks), saying the results haven't come in yet, he will call me, etc. etc. I decide to show up there after lunch. Talk to the front desk and ask my getting my results and the fact that the doctor had promised me the results. One of the nurses or someone was standing a bit back from the desk and said, in my opinion in not such a sweet way "You probably won't get the results until Monday, you'll just have to wait until then" Okay, I'm a pretty...emotional person to begin with, add to that the fact that the woman is a snoot and that I'm waiting to find out if I have cancer I got a little ticked. I can't remember what I said, but I basically slammed out of there and went out to the car.
My brother came out and basically told me I had overreacted, the wonderful level-headed, much less emotional person he is...I love him. *sigh* I explained to him that I am waiting to find out whether or not I have CANCER something that will affect me for the rest of my life. I told him I was not waiting an entire weekend to find out if I had it or not and that the doctor had promised, promised me he would get me the results that day. So Terry goes inside and probably apologizes for my behavior (good thing, cause I wasn't going to) and tah-dah...they got the results faxed to them in a matter of minutes....hmmm, isn't that interesting.
We go inside and into one of the exam rooms and wait for the doctor, this is one of those moments I will never forget...ever. He walks in and put his hand on my shoulder. I knew. Right then. I knew. He never would have had to say a word, I knew what the results were. I had cancer. Those words change everything you think your life is, everything you think it will be, everything you want it to be. Suddenly your world is tilted and you're not sure it will ever be straight again.
Even though I remember the moment I don't really remember exactly what we talked about, just that the results were positive for cancer and that he wanted me to go to St. Luke's in Kansas City to an Oncologist who were much better equipped to deal with this. I can't even remember that doctor's name. (must be that early onset Alzheimer's) We go over to my friend's house tell her, call my parents and tell them. Of course, everyone is so optimistic and they know everything will be okay. I was in shock.
I had an appointment for the doctor in Kansas City I believe the following week and my parents were going to come down and be there for it. They were going to their hometown to visit their parents for Memorial weekend so they would just come via KC. I went into that appointment somehow hoping that there had been a mistake that they had been wrong that the results had gotten mixed up and I didn't have cancer. I had no such luck. He confirmed that I had a cancer and recommended a hysterectomy and rather quickly as the type of cancer I had is very aggressive and they wanted to get it as quickly as possible. 24 years old, I have cancer and I'm about to lose the ability to have children...life is not fair.
I was scheduled for surgery about a week and a half later, June 7. The wonderful doctor in Lawrence (what was his name?? V something...long name...I hate that I can't remember) told me that if I had questions I could come or call anytime. So I did. So I went in one day and asked him some questions, to tell you the truth, I don't even remember what the questions were, but I do remember something. He was in shock about me having cancer and they type of cancer. He was saying he'd never seen it in someone so young, he couldn't believe it, he was basically in total shock about it. To this day, I realize...it's not a good thing to shock a doctor.
The type of cancer I had is called Mullerian Adenosarcoma. Basically it is a rare type of cancer, I don't understand all the medical mumbo-jumbo of it, but I did a lot of research on it while going through this and I did find out a few things. There are two types of cancers, carcinomas and sarcomas. Sarcomas are less common than carcinomas, the type of cancer I had occurs, or I could say occured I'm not sure what the exact statistics are today, in only 1% of all types of cancers and in only 5% of all sarcomas. I just did a quick Google on it and it seems that it still considered a rare type of cancer. I also found that, at the time it had a 50% five year several rate...50%.
Wow, sorry this is getting drawn out, but it's kind of emotional for me and takes a lot longer to type out than I thought it would. So many details. I think it's therapeutic for me to be doing this though. Part III, perhaps tomorrow. Good Night, sweet dreams.
Friday, June 27, 2008
I are college edjemicated
Why is it so hard to balance a checkbook? Do you have to be a special kind of stupid to do this? How can I balance an account at work that has thousands of dollars in it and can't manage my own checkbook that has...considerably less?
Why do they say I have so much more than I say I have? Okay, I'm an idiot, I forgot to add in my paycheck!! Okay, this still isn't adding up...what is going on here? Okay, subtract that..again, add that...still not, what in God'....oh wait, that check did come through, okay check that off. Okay, again...scratch that amount out...subtract....what is wrong with this calculator?? Maybe if I hit the keys harder it will work. Oh, wait..looks like when I balanced on the fly at the doctors office I subtracted wrong...okay, fix that...scratch that out...okay again...oh you dumb fuck, why the hell did you add that instead of subtract? Scratch that...subtract again, add that, subtract...pound on the keys...it's not working....start again!!! Okay, I think I've almost got it -50 and...oh shit, "Why am I still off $25??" Where is that $25??!! It has to be here...I've accounted for all the checks, I only have two outstanding checks and I've already subtracted the one $25 check....where the HELL IS THE OTHER $25!!!! Subtract again, add again, more chicken scratch, numbers all over the place, cross that one out, write another one. Nope that's not right, wait how can that number be there, that's still more...what the hell. Okay, I'm starting over minus 50, plus paycheck, minus 26.20, minus 25.00 Fuck it's still off...what the hell...oh, wait...I forgot to subtract the automatic transfer to savings...oh. Okay minus -25.00, -50.00, +paycheck -26.20....
YES!!! I BALANCE, I BALANCE, IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME...I BALANCE YES, YES, YES...
uh,hmmm...excuse me, I have to go take a shower. Have a good day. I balance, yes!!
Why do they say I have so much more than I say I have? Okay, I'm an idiot, I forgot to add in my paycheck!! Okay, this still isn't adding up...what is going on here? Okay, subtract that..again, add that...still not, what in God'....oh wait, that check did come through, okay check that off. Okay, again...scratch that amount out...subtract....what is wrong with this calculator?? Maybe if I hit the keys harder it will work. Oh, wait..looks like when I balanced on the fly at the doctors office I subtracted wrong...okay, fix that...scratch that out...okay again...oh you dumb fuck, why the hell did you add that instead of subtract? Scratch that...subtract again, add that, subtract...pound on the keys...it's not working....start again!!! Okay, I think I've almost got it -50 and...oh shit, "Why am I still off $25??" Where is that $25??!! It has to be here...I've accounted for all the checks, I only have two outstanding checks and I've already subtracted the one $25 check....where the HELL IS THE OTHER $25!!!! Subtract again, add again, more chicken scratch, numbers all over the place, cross that one out, write another one. Nope that's not right, wait how can that number be there, that's still more...what the hell. Okay, I'm starting over minus 50, plus paycheck, minus 26.20, minus 25.00 Fuck it's still off...what the hell...oh, wait...I forgot to subtract the automatic transfer to savings...oh. Okay minus -25.00, -50.00, +paycheck -26.20....
YES!!! I BALANCE, I BALANCE, IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME...I BALANCE YES, YES, YES...
uh,hmmm...excuse me, I have to go take a shower. Have a good day. I balance, yes!!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
No more visits from Aunt Flo
I am a cancer survivor, specifically uterine cancer and I had a hysterectomy which basically cured me as it was contained in my uterus. It was a life changing experience in some good ways and in some bad ways. It is on my mind lately because of two reasons; one I recently had my 14 year anniversary of being cancer free. I consider my surgery date to be my 'cure date' since it was basically taken care of by surgery. Secondly I have decided to become involved in this years American Cancer Society Relay for Life, I have participated before as has my mother and it is a pretty awesome event and it raises money for a great cause. I may have contacted some of you for a donation...those of you I haven't contacted...consider this a plea for a donation! What this is leading up to is the telling of my story and the feelings of what I went through and what I feel about it now. This may get long winded, so get yourself something to drink.
Editors warning: there is going to be some 'female' talk here, I will try to be somewhat discreet, but if you can't handle it...skip a little further down. There may also be a little medical talk too...
Sometime in May of 1994 I was living love as a poor black child...oh, wait...wrong story, sorry. I was actually living in Lawrence, KS working at Food-4-Less, a wonderful grocery and I wonder why I ever quit! Mostly life was pretty normal, as I look back at it now the only thing that seems out of place is that I had some cramping a little further up than where I normally cramped at, of course I really didn't think anything of it I just figured it was just one of the many benefits of being a woman. I got my monthly visitor pretty much on time, but things weren't quite as they usually were. Part of the reason I want to mention this part of it, even though it may seem gross is so that if this should happen to any of you women...get help, go to your doctor...it might be something, hopefully not, but check it out! My flow was really heavy, again figured it was 'just one of those things'. GROSS ALERT The other thing was it didn't smell great, I realize that it isn't something that has a pleasant smell to being with, but this had a different smell to it and it did kind of freak me out. So about the time I thought I should be 'finishing up' I was still flowing. It kind of bothered me, I thought something could be wrong, but at the same time a lot of times cycles are unpredictable, as we all know. Then it seemed like it finally was letting up, this was going on close to two weeks. I went to bed one night with just a light pad on and when I got up in the morning it had soaked through the pad, my undies and the bed. I knew then that I needed to do something, this just wasn't right. So I went to the clinic where I normally went and the doctor examined me and thought I was having a miscarriage, which was possible. They sent me over to a local OB/GYN, whose name I can't remember, but I loved him he was a wonderful caring man. However, the front desk staff...not so much.
The doctor at the clinic made me call a friend to come get me, they didn't want me driving myself over there. So she drives me over, when we got there it was close to noon, I think..must have been. We walk in, I tell her who I am and they were expecting me. They give me the standard clipboard of forms to fill out and says "Could you please fill these out quickly, the doctor needs to go to lunch" All righty then. My friend Tara was with me and she said, loudly enough for the woman at the desk to hear "Belinda, in the future could you schedule your miscarriages at a time that would be more convenient for the doctor?" God, I loved that girl!
So that doctor examined me and he also thought I was having a miscarriage so he scheduled an emergency D&C for like an hour later. Tara whisks me off to the hospital, I get checked in, call my Mom to tell her what is going on...yeah, that was a fun conversation; "Hey Mom, I'm having a miscarriage, just thought you'd like to know" She was pretty cool, all she cared about was that I was okay.
Go in for procedure...yeah, being put under...weird experience. The guy says I'm going to put something in your IV and it might make you feel lightheaded...okay, no problem. Next thing I know I'm waking up in another room and some strange woman is asking me how I am feeling and that I needed to wake up. What the fuck?! When is the procedure going to start? Where's all the other people? It was so light in here, now it's dark. Mommy? And the woman was kind of pissing me off...I'm not asleep, I'm still waiting for the dude to put the stuff in my IV! Back off lady! Finally figured out that it was over...oh.
So I am finally awake enough to go into the recovery room or whatever and my friend is there waiting for me. Doctor is supposed to come talk to me. Oh, and by the way, I was supposed to pee in a cup to make sure I was pregnant before the procedure...not a good time to have shy bladder, normally I can pee on demand...yeah, not so much so they never got their sample. Doc comes in, sits down and he don't look so good. You know how you can just tell by how someone looks that something isn't good? This is one of those times. He told me that I had not been pregnant and what they were seeing were polyps from my uterus...tumors, my God, I'm getting choked up just thinking of that moment. It is just the last thing you expect to hear, at that time he didn't know if it was cancer, he was sending some samples off for tests and he promised me he would get me the results by the next day. (please note the word promised, it will come up again..stupid front desk staff) It was Thursday and the next day Friday so he didn't want me to have to wait the weekend to get the results. He was so great. So I called me Mom with the news...feeling kind lost, and now what? and I didn't know because I didn't know what it was. Of course Mom was her usual strong self and said no matter what it was we would deal with it and get through it. So I left the hospital feeling kind of stunned. I had called another best friend before the procedure and told her what was happening and she said she would stay the night with me that night. She came over with two flowers..I think roses, a big one and a smaller one. She said the smaller one was for the one 'that got away' it was then that I told her that I had not had a miscarriage, that it was tumors. She was great, very supportive, stayed with me that night. I had called my brother as well and asked that he come up to Lawrence and be with me the next day when I found out what was going on, so he came up the next morning.
Okay, this is long winded...I'm getting tired, and I have tears running down my face. Never realize how hard some of these memories are until you relive them.
So, sorry for the cliff hanger...but, on the next episode of as the naughty chica turns...cancer, fear, surgery, recovery,radiation, long drives, fear, feelings, loss, recovery, pain, feelings..and a bunch of other crap. Talk to you later.
Editors warning: there is going to be some 'female' talk here, I will try to be somewhat discreet, but if you can't handle it...skip a little further down. There may also be a little medical talk too...
Sometime in May of 1994 I was living love as a poor black child...oh, wait...wrong story, sorry. I was actually living in Lawrence, KS working at Food-4-Less, a wonderful grocery and I wonder why I ever quit! Mostly life was pretty normal, as I look back at it now the only thing that seems out of place is that I had some cramping a little further up than where I normally cramped at, of course I really didn't think anything of it I just figured it was just one of the many benefits of being a woman. I got my monthly visitor pretty much on time, but things weren't quite as they usually were. Part of the reason I want to mention this part of it, even though it may seem gross is so that if this should happen to any of you women...get help, go to your doctor...it might be something, hopefully not, but check it out! My flow was really heavy, again figured it was 'just one of those things'. GROSS ALERT The other thing was it didn't smell great, I realize that it isn't something that has a pleasant smell to being with, but this had a different smell to it and it did kind of freak me out. So about the time I thought I should be 'finishing up' I was still flowing. It kind of bothered me, I thought something could be wrong, but at the same time a lot of times cycles are unpredictable, as we all know. Then it seemed like it finally was letting up, this was going on close to two weeks. I went to bed one night with just a light pad on and when I got up in the morning it had soaked through the pad, my undies and the bed. I knew then that I needed to do something, this just wasn't right. So I went to the clinic where I normally went and the doctor examined me and thought I was having a miscarriage, which was possible. They sent me over to a local OB/GYN, whose name I can't remember, but I loved him he was a wonderful caring man. However, the front desk staff...not so much.
The doctor at the clinic made me call a friend to come get me, they didn't want me driving myself over there. So she drives me over, when we got there it was close to noon, I think..must have been. We walk in, I tell her who I am and they were expecting me. They give me the standard clipboard of forms to fill out and says "Could you please fill these out quickly, the doctor needs to go to lunch" All righty then. My friend Tara was with me and she said, loudly enough for the woman at the desk to hear "Belinda, in the future could you schedule your miscarriages at a time that would be more convenient for the doctor?" God, I loved that girl!
So that doctor examined me and he also thought I was having a miscarriage so he scheduled an emergency D&C for like an hour later. Tara whisks me off to the hospital, I get checked in, call my Mom to tell her what is going on...yeah, that was a fun conversation; "Hey Mom, I'm having a miscarriage, just thought you'd like to know" She was pretty cool, all she cared about was that I was okay.
Go in for procedure...yeah, being put under...weird experience. The guy says I'm going to put something in your IV and it might make you feel lightheaded...okay, no problem. Next thing I know I'm waking up in another room and some strange woman is asking me how I am feeling and that I needed to wake up. What the fuck?! When is the procedure going to start? Where's all the other people? It was so light in here, now it's dark. Mommy? And the woman was kind of pissing me off...I'm not asleep, I'm still waiting for the dude to put the stuff in my IV! Back off lady! Finally figured out that it was over...oh.
So I am finally awake enough to go into the recovery room or whatever and my friend is there waiting for me. Doctor is supposed to come talk to me. Oh, and by the way, I was supposed to pee in a cup to make sure I was pregnant before the procedure...not a good time to have shy bladder, normally I can pee on demand...yeah, not so much so they never got their sample. Doc comes in, sits down and he don't look so good. You know how you can just tell by how someone looks that something isn't good? This is one of those times. He told me that I had not been pregnant and what they were seeing were polyps from my uterus...tumors, my God, I'm getting choked up just thinking of that moment. It is just the last thing you expect to hear, at that time he didn't know if it was cancer, he was sending some samples off for tests and he promised me he would get me the results by the next day. (please note the word promised, it will come up again..stupid front desk staff) It was Thursday and the next day Friday so he didn't want me to have to wait the weekend to get the results. He was so great. So I called me Mom with the news...feeling kind lost, and now what? and I didn't know because I didn't know what it was. Of course Mom was her usual strong self and said no matter what it was we would deal with it and get through it. So I left the hospital feeling kind of stunned. I had called another best friend before the procedure and told her what was happening and she said she would stay the night with me that night. She came over with two flowers..I think roses, a big one and a smaller one. She said the smaller one was for the one 'that got away' it was then that I told her that I had not had a miscarriage, that it was tumors. She was great, very supportive, stayed with me that night. I had called my brother as well and asked that he come up to Lawrence and be with me the next day when I found out what was going on, so he came up the next morning.
Okay, this is long winded...I'm getting tired, and I have tears running down my face. Never realize how hard some of these memories are until you relive them.
So, sorry for the cliff hanger...but, on the next episode of as the naughty chica turns...cancer, fear, surgery, recovery,radiation, long drives, fear, feelings, loss, recovery, pain, feelings..and a bunch of other crap. Talk to you later.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda
I should call my friend, I should email another one. I should balance my checkbook, I should clean out my car. I should pick up my shoes, I should call my Grandma. I should go for a walk, I should do the dishes. I should have gotten one more thing done at work, I should clean out and organize my dresser drawers. I should delete some of the emails out of my personal email inbox, I should, I should, I should....
Why does it seem like our 'to do' list is way longer than what we want to deal with? Why won't we let ourselves off the hook for it? I've talked to other friends about this, we all seem to do it. We have a bunch of shoulds that never seem to get done, or maybe eventually get done, but not when we thought we should do them. (there's that word again) Then we feel 'bad' or guilty whatever you want to call it for not getting them done. I'm sure you've said it or heard others say it "I should really do xyz" usually said in a half whining, half groaning voice. That's because sometimes that xyz thing is something we really don't want to deal with, but the funny thing is, we'd probably feel better if we did. I have so much crap in the dresser (not a full sized dresser, it's one of those with rattan type drawers, on the smaller side) in my living room and I have barely looked at most of it since I moved in here last year, same with the stuff in a few drawers in my bedroom, the closet in my office and...don't get my started about the stuff in the basement. I bet if I did some purging I'd feel pretty good about getting rid of some of it. I'd have more room, I will get rid of some things, maybe give some of it to Goodwill so others can partake of my crap. Hey that sounds pretty good....eh, I really don't feel like dealing with it.
Why does it seem like our 'to do' list is way longer than what we want to deal with? Why won't we let ourselves off the hook for it? I've talked to other friends about this, we all seem to do it. We have a bunch of shoulds that never seem to get done, or maybe eventually get done, but not when we thought we should do them. (there's that word again) Then we feel 'bad' or guilty whatever you want to call it for not getting them done. I'm sure you've said it or heard others say it "I should really do xyz" usually said in a half whining, half groaning voice. That's because sometimes that xyz thing is something we really don't want to deal with, but the funny thing is, we'd probably feel better if we did. I have so much crap in the dresser (not a full sized dresser, it's one of those with rattan type drawers, on the smaller side) in my living room and I have barely looked at most of it since I moved in here last year, same with the stuff in a few drawers in my bedroom, the closet in my office and...don't get my started about the stuff in the basement. I bet if I did some purging I'd feel pretty good about getting rid of some of it. I'd have more room, I will get rid of some things, maybe give some of it to Goodwill so others can partake of my crap. Hey that sounds pretty good....eh, I really don't feel like dealing with it.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
At the tone the time will be...
Internal body clocks really piss me off, mine is set to go off at about 4:50 a.m. everyday. Happened again this morning, I woke up because...well, nature was calling, that's another thing, doesn't she know it's really rude to call in the middle of the night or so early in the morning? Some people! I should have turned the ringer off, but I'm always afraid it will be important, that or I'll relive my childhood...if you know what I mean.
Anywho, in my half asleep state I crack an eye open, I see that it's a teensy bit light out, I think I know what that means. I lift my head up, close the 'bad' eye, not that it's done anything wrong, just that the right eye has had cataract surgery and I can actually see the clock, and sure enough...it's 4:50 a.m. Sunuvabitch.
I think, maybe if I just lie (I looked it up so I'd get it right this time) here the urge will go away and I'll just drift back to sleep...just lying here...closing my eyes...not going to....DAMNIT!! Getting out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom...really ticked off now.
I think I come by it naturally I can remember when I was young and we would visit my grandparents, I'd be sleeping on the couch and I'd hear them in the kitchen drinking their coffee. Still dark out, pretty early, and I can hear Grandpa's spoon in his cup...tink, tink, tink....it's a memory that still makes me smile. My Dad wakes up pretty early too, even now when he's retired and most of the time has no reason to get up early. I guess it's in my gene's...great.
Anyway, I finshed my business, so I go back to bed and lie there...sun is coming up, damn birds are chirping, cat is tromping on my head...clock is ticking...(it's a digital, but I swear it's ticking) Pleeeeeassse let me get back to sleep, it's 5 in the morning....I must have fallen asleep because I wake up later, yes! I slept in! All the way to...6:49!? Sunuvabitch
Anywho, in my half asleep state I crack an eye open, I see that it's a teensy bit light out, I think I know what that means. I lift my head up, close the 'bad' eye, not that it's done anything wrong, just that the right eye has had cataract surgery and I can actually see the clock, and sure enough...it's 4:50 a.m. Sunuvabitch.
I think, maybe if I just lie (I looked it up so I'd get it right this time) here the urge will go away and I'll just drift back to sleep...just lying here...closing my eyes...not going to....DAMNIT!! Getting out of bed, stumbling to the bathroom...really ticked off now.
I think I come by it naturally I can remember when I was young and we would visit my grandparents, I'd be sleeping on the couch and I'd hear them in the kitchen drinking their coffee. Still dark out, pretty early, and I can hear Grandpa's spoon in his cup...tink, tink, tink....it's a memory that still makes me smile. My Dad wakes up pretty early too, even now when he's retired and most of the time has no reason to get up early. I guess it's in my gene's...great.
Anyway, I finshed my business, so I go back to bed and lie there...sun is coming up, damn birds are chirping, cat is tromping on my head...clock is ticking...(it's a digital, but I swear it's ticking) Pleeeeeassse let me get back to sleep, it's 5 in the morning....I must have fallen asleep because I wake up later, yes! I slept in! All the way to...6:49!? Sunuvabitch
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Pardon me miss, your brunette is showing
I'm coloring my hair as I write this, or uncoloring...making it blonde! I am not sure when or why I decided to be a blonde, but it was a gradual thing. I dyed it light brown, then lighter brown, then dark blonde, then a little blonder, and now I'm very blonde, not quite platinum, although I was that for a time period as well.
I do get compliments on my hair color, sometime people are surprised when I tell them it's not real. It kind of surprises me that they can't tell. My eyebrows aren't light and sometimes I have some serious roots showing.
It's also cheap, real cheap to do. I buy Revlon Colorsilk and it's about $2.97 a box, even cheaper if they have it on sale or if they have the 'buy two and save' deal going on. Yet, I get compliments and people are surprised I do it myself. Part of the reason it amuses me is because of the people who go to the salon and pay mega bucks to just get highlights. (no insult intended to the folks who do that) I pay as low as $2. I'm cheap, what can I say?
I don't mind telling people it's not natural, in fact I joke about it. If someone compliments me I'll say 'Yeah, I liked it when I saw it on the box too' or 'Nice & Easy 224', kind of a takeoff on the cheesy commercials they had a few years back. I sometimes will say "It's my hair color, I bought it, I own it' In other words, I'm not trying to fool anyone, I'm a fake blonde. It's okay.
Someone once asked me what my natural hair color was, I told him I didn't remember. I dug out a high school picture to see what it was...looks like brown to me. This is my high school graduation picture. Not sure if it is dyed at all in this picture.
My Mom says I was born with black hair and she was thrilled because she has black hair, which is kind of ironic because her hair isn't natural either. I laugh because my family has a rainbow of hair colors, my sister-in-law and I have blonde, Mom has black, my brother has brown (although with the Mohawk he might start adding other colors), Grandma has red, and Dad has a silvery-gray color.
So, I'm blonde and I'm gonna stay that way, maybe forever! I'll be one of those little sweet old ladies with bright blonde hair. Well, I don't know about sweet, but you know what I mean.
And by the way...blondes do have more fun
I do get compliments on my hair color, sometime people are surprised when I tell them it's not real. It kind of surprises me that they can't tell. My eyebrows aren't light and sometimes I have some serious roots showing.
It's also cheap, real cheap to do. I buy Revlon Colorsilk and it's about $2.97 a box, even cheaper if they have it on sale or if they have the 'buy two and save' deal going on. Yet, I get compliments and people are surprised I do it myself. Part of the reason it amuses me is because of the people who go to the salon and pay mega bucks to just get highlights. (no insult intended to the folks who do that) I pay as low as $2. I'm cheap, what can I say?
I don't mind telling people it's not natural, in fact I joke about it. If someone compliments me I'll say 'Yeah, I liked it when I saw it on the box too' or 'Nice & Easy 224', kind of a takeoff on the cheesy commercials they had a few years back. I sometimes will say "It's my hair color, I bought it, I own it' In other words, I'm not trying to fool anyone, I'm a fake blonde. It's okay.
Someone once asked me what my natural hair color was, I told him I didn't remember. I dug out a high school picture to see what it was...looks like brown to me. This is my high school graduation picture. Not sure if it is dyed at all in this picture.
My Mom says I was born with black hair and she was thrilled because she has black hair, which is kind of ironic because her hair isn't natural either. I laugh because my family has a rainbow of hair colors, my sister-in-law and I have blonde, Mom has black, my brother has brown (although with the Mohawk he might start adding other colors), Grandma has red, and Dad has a silvery-gray color.
So, I'm blonde and I'm gonna stay that way, maybe forever! I'll be one of those little sweet old ladies with bright blonde hair. Well, I don't know about sweet, but you know what I mean.
And by the way...blondes do have more fun
Friday, June 20, 2008
Instant weight gain
I'm not walking this morning, I walk pretty much every morning before work. I wake up 5:30ish, stumble to the bathroom, splash water on my face, put in my one contact, and get dressed to go walking. By then I'm somewhat awake, I put on a hat, a jacket if it's a little cool, grab my Ipod and go. I usally walk...depends on the morning, anywhere from 1-2 miles. I feel good the rest of the day and I know it's done so if I don't get a chance to walk later in the day, it's already done.
This morning, I'm tired, I have a little of a self-induced headache...that's a hangover, I haven't been banging my head on the wall. I exercise a lot, I realize this so why do I feel guilty the maybe 1 or 2 mornings I don't walk? Why do I get this mental image of gaining weight because I didn't walk this morning? I have lost 70 lbs in a little over a year and have kept it off. I continue to watch what I eat (sometimes I just watch it as it goes in my mouth...mmmm, choc-o-late) I exercise last weekend I walked 4 miles on Saturday and Sunday morning and biked 9 miles on Saturday afternoon. I'm doing good with exercising, so what's up with the guilt?
My rational mind realizes that I will not gain weight one morning of not walking, my 'chubby for most of my life' mind thinks....OMG, this is it....I can feel my waist expanding, I bet my jeans won't fit this morning! Where does that come from? I pride myself on not being hard on myself for my eating habits, I watch what I eat, but I refuse to 'diet', diets don't work. I have changed my lifestyle, I exercise more, I make better choices, but I don't limit myself. If one day I decide I want a piece of chocolate I have a piece of chocolate...I just don't eat the whole bag. I don't refuse a piece of cake on the day of someone's anniversary at work, I just limit it to one piece.
I guess this is one hurdle I still need to get over. I know that I still need/want to lose more weight and that skinny...okay, thinner woman inside of me wants to get out. I know I need to let go of the guilt, realize I am doing a good job, work on the things I can work on, and just...relax about the rest.
Maybe I'll walk after work.
This morning, I'm tired, I have a little of a self-induced headache...that's a hangover, I haven't been banging my head on the wall. I exercise a lot, I realize this so why do I feel guilty the maybe 1 or 2 mornings I don't walk? Why do I get this mental image of gaining weight because I didn't walk this morning? I have lost 70 lbs in a little over a year and have kept it off. I continue to watch what I eat (sometimes I just watch it as it goes in my mouth...mmmm, choc-o-late) I exercise last weekend I walked 4 miles on Saturday and Sunday morning and biked 9 miles on Saturday afternoon. I'm doing good with exercising, so what's up with the guilt?
My rational mind realizes that I will not gain weight one morning of not walking, my 'chubby for most of my life' mind thinks....OMG, this is it....I can feel my waist expanding, I bet my jeans won't fit this morning! Where does that come from? I pride myself on not being hard on myself for my eating habits, I watch what I eat, but I refuse to 'diet', diets don't work. I have changed my lifestyle, I exercise more, I make better choices, but I don't limit myself. If one day I decide I want a piece of chocolate I have a piece of chocolate...I just don't eat the whole bag. I don't refuse a piece of cake on the day of someone's anniversary at work, I just limit it to one piece.
I guess this is one hurdle I still need to get over. I know that I still need/want to lose more weight and that skinny...okay, thinner woman inside of me wants to get out. I know I need to let go of the guilt, realize I am doing a good job, work on the things I can work on, and just...relax about the rest.
Maybe I'll walk after work.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
My cat bites my feet at night
That almost sounds like one of those silly names or sayings you make up using the first letter of your first, last, and middle name, but it's not...she bites my feet, and I'm not sure why.
I woke up at 3:30 in the morning last night..er, this morning, which I really hate because it's only a few hours before you get up and you lay (lie? lay?) wondering if you are going to get back to sleep or will you just lay (lie? lay?) there trying to sleep, trying not to think about it...almost hearing the minutes ticking by, the minutes that you are not sleeping...tick, tick tick. I didn't have to worry though, because I got back to sleep.
Anyway, I was having a weird dream (not that kind of dream, Streckman) this morning I don't remember as much of it as I thought I would, actually I knew I wouldn't because you never do. They tell you to write them down, but I am not sitting up in the middle of the night to write down some dream I had that didn't make sense then and will make less sense in the morning, especially when I look at what I wrote and it looks like this:
fhhotn hoeh;t'nte ';eiht'j ient;njwoh t
Except, even less legible because I wrote it when I was half asleep. Anyway, all I remember now is I got in trouble with my boss in the dream, not even my real current boss, just some random woman who I don't even know, apparently I was working as a cleaning woman or something. I got in trouble for using too much soap and too many rags. I had to take some time off to 'think about what I had done'
What started this train of thought anyway? I have to go back and look....okay, seriously I talk like this too...rambling on and on, changing the subject mid-story. I've had to stop myself and say...'okay, I'll tell you about that in a minute I'll finish this first' I even do it when I'm thinking, is that normal? Am I slowing losing my mind? I'll be on one of my walks and I'll have the thought that I need to do something, tell somebody something, panic about something, and the next thing I know I'm thinking...okay, what was that I was just thinking about? It was just a couple minutes ago, how could I have forgotten already? It was something about....something. I needed to....do something, or something....I usually remember eventually. They say it is a side effect of the Topomax (as mentioned in yesterday's post) because it was first a brain medication. As Char mentioned, a seizure medication. I remember when I started taking it thinking 'will I really notice the difference? I can't remember things now' So now I ponder, so is this the medication, or my ever advancing age, or just the fake blonde ditz that I am?? Or...early onset Alzhiemer's!? I'm not going to panic, I'm not going to panic...
Okay, now, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my cat bites my feet at night and I don't know why....
I woke up at 3:30 in the morning last night..er, this morning, which I really hate because it's only a few hours before you get up and you lay (lie? lay?) wondering if you are going to get back to sleep or will you just lay (lie? lay?) there trying to sleep, trying not to think about it...almost hearing the minutes ticking by, the minutes that you are not sleeping...tick, tick tick. I didn't have to worry though, because I got back to sleep.
Anyway, I was having a weird dream (not that kind of dream, Streckman) this morning I don't remember as much of it as I thought I would, actually I knew I wouldn't because you never do. They tell you to write them down, but I am not sitting up in the middle of the night to write down some dream I had that didn't make sense then and will make less sense in the morning, especially when I look at what I wrote and it looks like this:
fhhotn hoeh;t'nte ';eiht'j ient;njwoh t
Except, even less legible because I wrote it when I was half asleep. Anyway, all I remember now is I got in trouble with my boss in the dream, not even my real current boss, just some random woman who I don't even know, apparently I was working as a cleaning woman or something. I got in trouble for using too much soap and too many rags. I had to take some time off to 'think about what I had done'
What started this train of thought anyway? I have to go back and look....okay, seriously I talk like this too...rambling on and on, changing the subject mid-story. I've had to stop myself and say...'okay, I'll tell you about that in a minute I'll finish this first' I even do it when I'm thinking, is that normal? Am I slowing losing my mind? I'll be on one of my walks and I'll have the thought that I need to do something, tell somebody something, panic about something, and the next thing I know I'm thinking...okay, what was that I was just thinking about? It was just a couple minutes ago, how could I have forgotten already? It was something about....something. I needed to....do something, or something....I usually remember eventually. They say it is a side effect of the Topomax (as mentioned in yesterday's post) because it was first a brain medication. As Char mentioned, a seizure medication. I remember when I started taking it thinking 'will I really notice the difference? I can't remember things now' So now I ponder, so is this the medication, or my ever advancing age, or just the fake blonde ditz that I am?? Or...early onset Alzhiemer's!? I'm not going to panic, I'm not going to panic...
Okay, now, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my cat bites my feet at night and I don't know why....
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I'm thinking, thinking....
I've been thinking about thinking about things to write about, I think I have some good ideas, not sure how well those well translate to actual written word, but I'll give it a shot. This will either be somewhat interesting or the most boring blog ever written!
Right now I can't think of much of anything because I have to go to work and I woke up with a headache which I find disturbing because I haven't done that in awhile. I've been getting more headaches lately, it bothers me because I hadn't been getting many headaches at all when taking my Topomax (medication to prevent migraines) not only did it prevent my migraines, but it prevented headaches except the occasional minor headaches. Now I've been getting quite a few and it bothers me. This is the way it used to be, and I don't like it.
I digress, I would love to stay home, but we have this stupid department picnic today and with me being on the picnic committee and the department Administrative Assistant I have to be on hand to direct traffic or whatever. I guess that means telling people where to put the bag of chips they brought...I'll tell them right where to put them...never mind...
I also have a meeting this afternoon that I should really attend, something to do with buying parts for our trucks or something. I still don't understand half of what we do. One of these days I'll catch on....
Right now I can't think of much of anything because I have to go to work and I woke up with a headache which I find disturbing because I haven't done that in awhile. I've been getting more headaches lately, it bothers me because I hadn't been getting many headaches at all when taking my Topomax (medication to prevent migraines) not only did it prevent my migraines, but it prevented headaches except the occasional minor headaches. Now I've been getting quite a few and it bothers me. This is the way it used to be, and I don't like it.
I digress, I would love to stay home, but we have this stupid department picnic today and with me being on the picnic committee and the department Administrative Assistant I have to be on hand to direct traffic or whatever. I guess that means telling people where to put the bag of chips they brought...I'll tell them right where to put them...never mind...
I also have a meeting this afternoon that I should really attend, something to do with buying parts for our trucks or something. I still don't understand half of what we do. One of these days I'll catch on....
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I'm going to try this
Okay, not sure why, but today I suddenly decided...I'm going to write a blog. Now, this isn't normally something that someone just decides to do on the spur of the moment...like say...changing your hairstyle. I mean opening your emotions, feelings, private thoughts to be viewed by anybody and everybody that has a computer...hmm, on second thought, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Just have to remember to keep it clean, write like my Grandmother is going to read it...who the f**k am I kidding?! If it's going to be me it's not going to be all that clean.
In the past I did have some online friends encourage me to start a blog. I thought it was laughable at that time. What am I going to write about? The insane conversations I have with my cats? My boring evenings home alone...every night, alone, without anyone to talk to, cuddle with, dying a slow painful, lonely death...I mean...what was I talking about? Really what would I write about? I guess I would do what all the other bloggers do and write about whatever the hell I want to write about. No matter how boring it is...
My other thought is, how long will I actually stick with this? Will I get bored with it? Will I not update it for months on end like I do with my diaries in the past?
Jan 1, 1998
Dear Diary....
Yeah, that's about all there is.... Well, I figure sometimes you just have to say...WTF. If my brother can get at Mohawk at age...almost 43 I can start a blog.
My Badass Brother
So anyone reading this...if you haven't already fallen asleep...I hope you get a little bit of entertainment out of my ramblings, musings, thoughts, jokes, and bemoaning about life....if not, don't read it. (I just mean it's your choice...)
Just have to remember to keep it clean, write like my Grandmother is going to read it...who the f**k am I kidding?! If it's going to be me it's not going to be all that clean.
In the past I did have some online friends encourage me to start a blog. I thought it was laughable at that time. What am I going to write about? The insane conversations I have with my cats? My boring evenings home alone...every night, alone, without anyone to talk to, cuddle with, dying a slow painful, lonely death...I mean...what was I talking about? Really what would I write about? I guess I would do what all the other bloggers do and write about whatever the hell I want to write about. No matter how boring it is...
My other thought is, how long will I actually stick with this? Will I get bored with it? Will I not update it for months on end like I do with my diaries in the past?
Jan 1, 1998
Dear Diary....
Yeah, that's about all there is.... Well, I figure sometimes you just have to say...WTF. If my brother can get at Mohawk at age...almost 43 I can start a blog.
My Badass Brother
So anyone reading this...if you haven't already fallen asleep...I hope you get a little bit of entertainment out of my ramblings, musings, thoughts, jokes, and bemoaning about life....if not, don't read it. (I just mean it's your choice...)
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